State of the Union Scorecard

I’m posting this by Bob Wicks, who is a friend’s sister’s high school English teacher down in Southern California in a dim and distant past. Bob is welcome to guest-blog here any time.

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Many of you have misplaced your State of the Union Scorecards, so I am providing an updated copy to make your watching more productive tomorrow night [tonight—ed.]. You may remember that Bush scored an unprecedented 80 points in 2001 due to a fluke in the scoring system that year where an unlimited number of self-satisfied smirks were allowed. His smirk score alone that year was 42, and it prompted a rules change so that subsequent to 2002, no more than five points could be garnered for smirking. The rules for this year are essentially unchanged from last. The chart below will make your scoring easy and convenient. Remember that questionable calls are to be recorded in the president’s favor.

Action Points

Any self-satisfied smirk is good for one point to a maximum of five points.

Any sentence with the words bi-partisan or co-operation, one point.

Any sentence with the meaning that we will stand down when the Iraqis stand up, one point.

Reference to Iraqi combatants as killers or murderers, two points.

Call for support of troop build-up in Iraq, one point.

Warning to Osama Bin Laden that his time is about up, five points.

Reference to Iran’s nuclear program destabilizing the area, one point.

Any use of the word “brave” in describing our troops, one point to a maximum of five points.

Camera panning to members of the armed forces in the audience, one point. Marines in dress uniforms count two points.

Reference to parents of dead servicemen, one point.

Letter from little girl in Kansas supporting our troops, one point.

Asserting that the Iraq war keeps terrorists away from our country, one point.

Mention that the world is better off without Saddam, one point.

Acknowledgment that global warming is real, one point.

Suggesting government help to corporations developing alternate fuels, one point.

Noting the advance of the Dow Jones Average to record highs, one point.

Promising to reduce deficits at some future time, one point.

Noting that the Bush administration has added over three trillion dollars to the national debt, 100 points.

Proposing that wealthy people should get a tax deduction for their health insurance premiums, two points.

Calling for continuation of “No Child Left Behind,” one point.

Mention that the world has changed because of 9-11, one point.

Any joke about Nancy Pelosi, five points.

There you have it. Keep this scorecard handy as you listen to the speech. A score of 35-40 is considered average. It is very unlikely that we will ever see the 80 points of 2001 surpassed. There is very little for Bush to smirk about these days, self-satisfied or not.